Here we go… down an unfamiliar road…

… and it will involve doctors. 
Not in a life threatening way… 

… but I’m hoping for not too long, I’m hoping that at the end of it I’ll be holding a stinky wee bundle in my arms, possibly called Clarissa or Findlay… Oh! Spoiler alert!!! 🙂 

We’re off to the Doctor on Thursday to speak to him about our lack of baby #2. 

Over two years have passed, and we haven’t even struck a +ve on a pee stick. 
Two years. 
Two years of hope, and then deep sadness when the Red Bitch would enter our home. 
Hormones are wild, emotions are high – every month – I’d be a mess. 
Noone around me understands. Noone knows why I’m a bitch for a week or two. 

Two years. 
At least 20 occasions where I felt like a failure; where I would analyse and read into why this was happening. Is it me? Am I early-pre-menopausal? Was there something he and I didn’t do right? I was sure all the signs were there.

… and there are a lot of signs to look for. 

So why did it take me 2 years to finally decide that we need to speak to the Doctor? 
Because life happened inbetween. We moved house at the same time I was laid off, I started a new job (because I was laid off) … our DD started school. 
I was also scared. 
I was scared to face the fact that we wouldn’t be able to provide a sibling for our DD. 
I was scared to face the fact that my womanly parts were all shrivelled and useless, dried up. 

I am scared. 
I was scared. 
But then I realised – I am more scared of something else:

I was scared that DD will grow up in this world alone. 

I realised that in our quest to give her a better life, we had also – almost – doomed her to a life alone. 
She won’t have cousins – I’m sure, and if she does – they’re an ocean away, with the rest of the family. She doesn’t have siblings… so when DH and I are no longer here – she will be… alone. 
Alone. 

I can’t think of her like that. My baby girl, so full of joy and mischief. 

As an adult… without family. 

Alone. 
Suddenly, making baby #2 became more important, more urgent. 
DD needs a sibling. 

Two years. 

Two years of watching others have babies – some for the first time, some for the 2nd or third. With each one came joy and then a gutpunch. Each time the gutpunch grew stronger. 
Woe is me. 
Right?
I know. 
Pity party for one.
I’m well aware that I shouldn’t be complaining – we already have DD – and for that, I am eternally grateful… she’s a beautiful, happy, healthy spitfire in our lives. We adore her. 
But… did I mention? I want another. And I want DD to have a sibling. 
… and the heart wants what the heart wants. 

So here we go… about to embark on a journey down an unfamiliar road… and I’m scared, I’m excited, and I’m nervous.
I am very nervous.  

 

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10 Responses to Here we go… down an unfamiliar road…

  1. 4L150N says:

    Sending positive baby making vibes your way 😉

  2. zerocattle says:

    Moar babies.

    In the event of not-moar-babies, please let me assure you that she will never be truly alone. We can build a family out of all sorts of people around us (and we do), and she will as well, especially as she’s loved and cherished! So don’t put that pressure on yourself. Your extended family will be her extended family as well, then she’ll find her own as she goes on her own journey through life.

    *hugs*

    If part of that family is a sibling, huzzah to siblings! MOAR BABIES. (As long as they aren’t coming out of me, I’m all for them!)

    • latomate74 says:

      I would love to share that ideal… but as an immigrunt – I know that it’s not necessarily true. I see it in fellow “strangers”… there are some that have assimilated easily and forged bonds quickly. They have created their own family unit with fellow expats and neighbours – and then there are others who don’t forge those bonds so easily, and I see their loneliness echo’ing our own… and these people aren’t bad people.

      Many “native” families and circles are set, set in their ways… they don’t have the time or the room to make for those not their kin. There’s no blame here – it is what it is. I was warned of this before we moved, an Aussie roommate said that it’s not easy as an adult to make friends, and purely because people ARE set in their ways and routines. Who really wants to open their home to a family that isn’t theirs on a family related holiday?
      Noone does. Not REALLY… it’s all about family and tradition.
      We have been to 3 “out of our home” Thanksgivings – all were for “misfits” – fellow immigrunts and transient families. But those families drifted off again, to pastures new, and friendships faded – being displaced isn’t necessarily enough to create long lasting friendships.

      We get over it by saying that it’s not done in the UK, and it’s true for Easter and Thanksgiving – but on the other hand – we’re also being flippant to hide our hurt feelings are not being able to cement these family events in our lives.
      We get over it by saying “We don’t need others – we’ll make our OWN traditions” … but I still feel guilty buying a whole turkey for 2 and a half people… 😛 and really, I can’t afford “Disney World at Christmas” … 😛

      My Dad used to caution me that “Friends may be friends, but they will always put their own family before yours'” … and that’s understandable, and true. No blame, it is what it is.
      🙂

      • zerocattle says:

        Maybe it’s because my blood-related family is, at best, loosely affiliated. My friends-family have been a greater support over the years (and continue to be) than my family is able to be most of the time.

        Traditions are made, not kept, definitely, but it’s not the big stuff that will make it in, it’s the little things like making cookies on Sundays or having friends over on Friday nights and that will grow.

        It is a little harder as an adult, but I think that’s about both being wary and possibly choosier about the people you want in your life. I found as the kids got into school that I was better able to make new friends again. When the kids are little it’s a real challenge because they need so much of our time.

        “Who really wants to open their home to a family that isn’t theirs…”

        Me. When the home is a little more up to snuff after this summer. It’s a different place post-divorce. Very different. My family is the “oh, any time around near the holiday is okay, or whenever” type. So it’s me and the boys. And quite frankly, that’s not a lot of fun. Maybe in the morning, but then by dinner, it is hollow and a bit lonely for all of us.

        Easter, though I don’t celebrate it religiously, was really nice this year at Andrea’s — we all brought food, we talked, we were silly. The kids were all there, it was a noisy food related afternoon and evening. We don’t need it to be on Easter, of course. Just need to make the time for these types of events in our lives and make them happen.

        I’ll totally put my kids ahead of everyone if they are in a crisis. Yes. If I had to choose between my sister being sick and friends coming over, I’d choose my sister! But those are really rare situations where those choices need to be made.

        Don’t give up on the idea of finding more life-long friends. They take time to develop, and like all relationships, need care and nurturing!

      • latomate74 says:

        Oh, yes, totally – in times of crisis – family first.
        What I meant was in more casual situations…
        Most people, if invited to a friendly Easter lunch (for example) or a family related one – they will, and rightly so, chose the family.
        It’s the sort of thing that goes by unnoticed… it’s such a natural and instinctive choice to make.
        And oddly, I don’t come from a large family – but – at Christmas? It’s all about family. The 5 of us would get together, and our tradition of no traditions was at large. Gifts, turkey, movies and sweets. Dress code optional. Quality time together? Absolutely.

        I don’t pay attention to the religious aspect – I am purely interested in the “getting together, bonding, wishing I wearing sweatpants” aspect of it.

        … I mourn the loss of the friends we made here, in the beginning, I believed that they were going to be the stuff that sitcoms were made of… and they were… for a while. But then it turned more Maury Povich than Monica Geller, and then all was lost.
        This is why we have started going to the UU Congregations on Sundays – still looking for that connection. Trying to find that place in the community where we belong as a family – so – should the worst happen, that we have a support network – and if the worst doesn’t happen – that we have good times as a family.

        I have always treated making friendships and connections like dating… “How soon should I add them on facebook?” … “Is it too early to call?” … “is this shirt OK?” … 😉 … but with the thrill of the chase also comes the kick in the shins when it doesn’t work out, and then the analysis “Was it me?” … “Did I talk too much?” … “Was I loud?” … “Was I needy?” … 😛

        … and speaking of “once Summer is over” … I need another fondue night. But it will probably be August… :-S

  3. zerocattle says:

    August is a fine month. 🙂

    I don’t sweat a lot with most of my long-term friends. There when it works out, not when it doesn’t, make the effort, stay in touch, everything ebbs and flows. The last few months I’ve had to pull back to deal with issues, so now that they are resolved, I’ll have to put the work in to reconnect. Ebb and flow.

    Newer friends, and closer-in-proximity friends and friends-not-in-a-group-of-friends need more continual care and nurturing. I hope no one cares about my clothing, I don’t have the moola to upgrade at the moment!

  4. shera rose says:

    Good luck! I’ll be sending positive thoughts your way. Even though you already have one child, or however many, it can still hurt when you think you might not be able to have more. I have my two babes, and am still brought to tears when I think that it’s likely that I won’t be able to have a third. (Major health problems this year, so many tests and so much stress trying to figure out wtf is wrong with me.) And I can’t really talk about it to anyone, because they all just tell me I should be happy to have the two kids I already have…which I *obviously* am! But I always just KNEW I would have a big family, ever since I was a tiny child, I wanted three or four kids at least. Both Kris and I grew up with three siblings each, it just seems right to me…and I’m definitely feeling angry that poor health is robbing my of the chance for the family I always wanted.
    I wish I lived closer, I think our wee ones would get along, and I could also use a good friend! I always pictured a community when I was younger, and just assumed there would be dinner parties and group camping trips and sitting around with tea and good company while our little ones played together…but unfortunately none of that materialised. People drift apart, have different priorities, were never true friends to begin with. It’s definitely hard to make new friends as an adult!
    I hope you find your community, and get your sibling for Bean soon as well.

    • latomate74 says:

      **HUGS**
      I wish there wasn’t such a distance also. I’ve often thought, in a non-creepy way, that our girls looked like they’d get on well together – and us too.
      I hope your health issues are pinpointed soon, and are hopefully “fixable”… and know that I’m here should you need to talk about things. I understand.
      I definitely imagined life being more like you describe it, and having had a taster – I miss it… it’s odd to be driving and see a drive at someone’s home filled with cars and kids running about in the backyard, and feeling jealous.
      I’m hopeful that being part of the UU congregation is going to help with that feeling of community, and I’m trying hard not to let me socially awkward penguin tendencies “ruin it”.

      • shera rose says:

        Yeah, I’m hoping some of the more recent health stuff is treatable as well…some is there to stay unfortunately(PCOS, complicated migraines, etc.)but we’ll see. I go to see my neurologist on the 18th to get the results from the many many tests I’ve been subjected to.

        I feel the jealousy as well, far too often. I am still hopeful that I will find some like-minded people eventually, but in this very small rural(and fairly redneck)town, it can be a bit difficult. I also have pretty severe social anxiety, so that doesn’t help any!
        Good luck with the UU thing, I hope you find your kindred spirits somewhere in there. 🙂

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